Saturday, February 12, 2011

It is 6:30 on a Saturday Morning.... REALLY?

So, here I am on a Saturday morning, wide awake. Okay, perhaps still yawning a bit and wondering if I should just lay my head back down and go to sleep. Perhaps I will after writing some more mumbo jumbo down.
So a thought...oh I know.

In the past few years I have been focused on well for lack of better description, men. How they fit in my life, where they fit, do they fit, and on and on. I have met several interesting, fun individuals, both men and women through this journey. I have also learned a lot while on this journey, and I keep learning. Really, isn't that why we are here, to keep learning?  In the last post I wrote about WHO I AM. I can list a gazillion things about who I am through my eyes but who am I when you look at me? Then who am I when.. HE or SHE looks at me? Well, considering we all see different things, you would think we are all scraps of paper with words written down, that mix and swirl together. I am a mom to my child, sometimes mean in her eyes, sometimes a complete dork, sporadically cool, but all in all MOM. That word tends to sum up so much for some of us and so little for others. I feel sorry for the "others" out there. I say this because I know several people out there that did NOT have a great mother in their life. Coming from where I do, having had a great mom, oh don't get me wrong, she did have several of her own issues (loony) hahaha - Just kidding, she is reading this had to write that in there.  I had a wonderful, loving mom. Yes, we all have our quirks and she did, as do I, but a great caring mom is really what it boils down to. Daughter, Sister, Aunt, Wife, Ex-wife, FWB, Lover, Girlfriend, Friend, Student, Teacher, Co-worker, Boss, Employee.MYSELF.. the list goes on. So many hats we wear in life, its no wonder we can become lost and confused as to who we are. Which role is most important to us? Do we have to choose just one, or can we somehow find a way to make them all work?  I think we can find a way to make them all work, and I think we do day to day. We just do not give ourselves the credit that we deserve. Sometimes we let one role overtake and we lose sight of the others.  Often, we lose sight of Myself.  When Myself gets a lack of attention we tend to suffer, when Myself suffers, all of our other roles suffer too. How can I be a mom, when I can't be Myself? We can't really be anything to great degree without being and paying some attention to Myself first. Myself becomes what he or she wants me to be. Myself starts to drink because he likes to drink. Myself becomes flirty.. oh wait NOPE I am flirty. Strike that.  Okay, had to add a bit of humor in there. So, what if we were to sit down and make a list of who we are, what would that list look like? -- this is the time you stop reading and grab a pen and paper. Don't worry.. I will wait.. Tap Tap Tap Tap Tap.................
Welcome back.

Now, lets start with Five things of WHO am I.
1. Mom
2. Friend
3. Daughter
4. Significant other
 5. Employee

Now, lets do Five things of WHY I am the above 5? Not, I am a mom because I have a child... that is too easy. Let's really think here.. take your time!!!
1. When I look at my daughter while she is sleeping, I see peace. I see my angel.
2. I love to laugh, and when I am around friends they let me laugh at them, at myself, at the silly things in life we have all done.
3. I look at my mom, and know that any trouble I am having she is there to listen and to tell me what a dummy I am, of course in the most motherly way she can. Or, my dad, who as dads go, helps me with the Manly things that I do not have any interest or desire in. He takes my car and puts tires on for me... just to say, hey I am your dad, and this is how I know to ease some stress from you.
4. When I look into his eyes, and he looks back and in that one instant, I see all that I want to be to someone, and see that at least in that one instant, he wants to be all that he can be for me.
5. I make a comfortable living, I provide things to my coworkers that they do not know how to do. I learn to do what I can to help out a business in the best way I know how.

So that is a SMALL synopsis of ME. In writing this I did not write about MYSELF... did you? I do not run on the frequency of myself often. I run on the frequency of Others. I live for others. This is something I sometimes struggle with. When I do, I tend to go into my little world of Amber's head and sometimes get stuck there until I can form the words to say to understand first to myself and then explain to others WHAT it is that I am thinking. Little insignificant me has a thought.. hold onto your hats dear sirs, and your bonnets ladies, the hurricane is coming.
So, have you ever asked, or merely been told who you are to someone else? I find it fun when someone tells me their view of me, without me asking. The most I tend to get back is this, I can open up to you, you listen and care about what I think. You are there when I need you and do not tend to hold back because we have not spoken in the past few months, years, decades even. You make me feel comfortable and calm. You care about me. Why, yes, yes I do! There are very few people that have run through my past that do not keep a piece of my brain, or better yet heart. I do know what it is like to have your heart grow two sizes too big. I feel it often. When I sit down and think of all the people that have run through my past, their faces pop into my head, real quick, and then they run down from my head and back into my heart. Yes, some have JUMPED wildly up and down on the poor squishy organ, then there are some who have gently placed their hands around this soft organ and held it so that those jumping wildly stop. In turn, those gentle hands are my Calming agents, to you out there, I say thank you! We all need calming agents in our lives. I am glad so many have come to me and have felt Calm being in my presence. I really love that, the knowledge that I am able to hold some hearts in my hand and not JUMP. Not that I feel, I am a jumper.  If I have ever JUMPED on your heart.. please let me know, let's talk through this! Sometimes, I feel my "calling" in life is simply to help people in some way. I just have not tapped into this to figure out HOW I am to do this. Is it just in everyday life, or am I going to do something more with it? I know it will not be in the end with my organs... they don't want mine! So, I take from this that I wrote MOM as my number 1 thing.. when really to me it all boils down to FRIEND. Every aspect I am a friend. My heart goes out to you, always with a bit of hope that yours, at some point, comes back to me.  Do not judge me for my spelling or punctuation,  for in the end it is all just symbols on a page, if you are able to read, strike that, understand what I am babbling about then you get what you need from this. In fact, do not judge me at all, I will not judge you, I will love you and help protect you when I can. As I started this particular blog, of everything and nothing, I had you and me in mind. A journey of one, and you, and him and her.

1 comment:

  1. Thanks for the kind knew I would read this!
    You know that I will always be here for you, as will your Dad and Bill.
    The one thing you did not write about is being a sister, maybe you are saving that for another time.