Saturday, February 12, 2011

It is 6:30 on a Saturday Morning.... REALLY?

So, here I am on a Saturday morning, wide awake. Okay, perhaps still yawning a bit and wondering if I should just lay my head back down and go to sleep. Perhaps I will after writing some more mumbo jumbo down.
So a thought...oh I know.

In the past few years I have been focused on well for lack of better description, men. How they fit in my life, where they fit, do they fit, and on and on. I have met several interesting, fun individuals, both men and women through this journey. I have also learned a lot while on this journey, and I keep learning. Really, isn't that why we are here, to keep learning?  In the last post I wrote about WHO I AM. I can list a gazillion things about who I am through my eyes but who am I when you look at me? Then who am I when.. HE or SHE looks at me? Well, considering we all see different things, you would think we are all scraps of paper with words written down, that mix and swirl together. I am a mom to my child, sometimes mean in her eyes, sometimes a complete dork, sporadically cool, but all in all MOM. That word tends to sum up so much for some of us and so little for others. I feel sorry for the "others" out there. I say this because I know several people out there that did NOT have a great mother in their life. Coming from where I do, having had a great mom, oh don't get me wrong, she did have several of her own issues (loony) hahaha - Just kidding, she is reading this had to write that in there.  I had a wonderful, loving mom. Yes, we all have our quirks and she did, as do I, but a great caring mom is really what it boils down to. Daughter, Sister, Aunt, Wife, Ex-wife, FWB, Lover, Girlfriend, Friend, Student, Teacher, Co-worker, Boss, Employee.MYSELF.. the list goes on. So many hats we wear in life, its no wonder we can become lost and confused as to who we are. Which role is most important to us? Do we have to choose just one, or can we somehow find a way to make them all work?  I think we can find a way to make them all work, and I think we do day to day. We just do not give ourselves the credit that we deserve. Sometimes we let one role overtake and we lose sight of the others.  Often, we lose sight of Myself.  When Myself gets a lack of attention we tend to suffer, when Myself suffers, all of our other roles suffer too. How can I be a mom, when I can't be Myself? We can't really be anything to great degree without being and paying some attention to Myself first. Myself becomes what he or she wants me to be. Myself starts to drink because he likes to drink. Myself becomes flirty.. oh wait NOPE I am flirty. Strike that.  Okay, had to add a bit of humor in there. So, what if we were to sit down and make a list of who we are, what would that list look like? -- this is the time you stop reading and grab a pen and paper. Don't worry.. I will wait.. Tap Tap Tap Tap Tap.................
Welcome back.

Now, lets start with Five things of WHO am I.
1. Mom
2. Friend
3. Daughter
4. Significant other
 5. Employee

Now, lets do Five things of WHY I am the above 5? Not, I am a mom because I have a child... that is too easy. Let's really think here.. take your time!!!
1. When I look at my daughter while she is sleeping, I see peace. I see my angel.
2. I love to laugh, and when I am around friends they let me laugh at them, at myself, at the silly things in life we have all done.
3. I look at my mom, and know that any trouble I am having she is there to listen and to tell me what a dummy I am, of course in the most motherly way she can. Or, my dad, who as dads go, helps me with the Manly things that I do not have any interest or desire in. He takes my car and puts tires on for me... just to say, hey I am your dad, and this is how I know to ease some stress from you.
4. When I look into his eyes, and he looks back and in that one instant, I see all that I want to be to someone, and see that at least in that one instant, he wants to be all that he can be for me.
5. I make a comfortable living, I provide things to my coworkers that they do not know how to do. I learn to do what I can to help out a business in the best way I know how.

So that is a SMALL synopsis of ME. In writing this I did not write about MYSELF... did you? I do not run on the frequency of myself often. I run on the frequency of Others. I live for others. This is something I sometimes struggle with. When I do, I tend to go into my little world of Amber's head and sometimes get stuck there until I can form the words to say to understand first to myself and then explain to others WHAT it is that I am thinking. Little insignificant me has a thought.. hold onto your hats dear sirs, and your bonnets ladies, the hurricane is coming.
So, have you ever asked, or merely been told who you are to someone else? I find it fun when someone tells me their view of me, without me asking. The most I tend to get back is this, I can open up to you, you listen and care about what I think. You are there when I need you and do not tend to hold back because we have not spoken in the past few months, years, decades even. You make me feel comfortable and calm. You care about me. Why, yes, yes I do! There are very few people that have run through my past that do not keep a piece of my brain, or better yet heart. I do know what it is like to have your heart grow two sizes too big. I feel it often. When I sit down and think of all the people that have run through my past, their faces pop into my head, real quick, and then they run down from my head and back into my heart. Yes, some have JUMPED wildly up and down on the poor squishy organ, then there are some who have gently placed their hands around this soft organ and held it so that those jumping wildly stop. In turn, those gentle hands are my Calming agents, to you out there, I say thank you! We all need calming agents in our lives. I am glad so many have come to me and have felt Calm being in my presence. I really love that, the knowledge that I am able to hold some hearts in my hand and not JUMP. Not that I feel, I am a jumper.  If I have ever JUMPED on your heart.. please let me know, let's talk through this! Sometimes, I feel my "calling" in life is simply to help people in some way. I just have not tapped into this to figure out HOW I am to do this. Is it just in everyday life, or am I going to do something more with it? I know it will not be in the end with my organs... they don't want mine! So, I take from this that I wrote MOM as my number 1 thing.. when really to me it all boils down to FRIEND. Every aspect I am a friend. My heart goes out to you, always with a bit of hope that yours, at some point, comes back to me.  Do not judge me for my spelling or punctuation,  for in the end it is all just symbols on a page, if you are able to read, strike that, understand what I am babbling about then you get what you need from this. In fact, do not judge me at all, I will not judge you, I will love you and help protect you when I can. As I started this particular blog, of everything and nothing, I had you and me in mind. A journey of one, and you, and him and her.

Friday, February 11, 2011

Honestly, I have NO idea!

So, here we are! I have no idea where this blog is going to lead us, but let's have some fun along the way. Laugh, cry, be disgusted, think a bit. I can't tell you what you will get out of this, heck I am not even sure you will get anything out of this, not sure if I will either. Honestly, I just feel like writing and so here we go.

Who am I - this is probably something that is a bit important - A bit of background is always good, right? I am 35 years old, semi-single white female.. LOL.. always wanted to say something stupid like that. I currently have a boyfriend, but not married.  Average looks, average intelligence, average all around. I am a mother of one almost teenage daughter. YIKES! I am divorced. I am a cancer (lymphoma) survivor, and I am a diabetic. I live through my heart, and am there for those that need me, when they need me. I went to college and got my BA - which to me should have been a B.S. (yes bullshit) degree - Majored in psychology, and minored in Sociology. Originally I went to college to be an elementary teacher, but I was young and dumb and did not really like school too much. My goal as a kid was to become a mom and a teacher of 2nd grade. OH, and I am a complete GOOF, and I do not mind showing this!  I am sure there is more to me and later if you ask I will tell, or if I think something is relevant I will write it. Though, really when it all comes down to it. Many of us run on the same track - we are just looking for our place. Where we fit, who we are.. Is this what life is REALLY all about? OH, one more thing I am RANDOM - so things may not "fall into place as expected"!

Obviously, I have been going through some "thinking" of my own in the recent past. Please, do not ask what I have "figured out", I would have to answer that with a big fat NOTHING. OK, I have learned some things, I guess. Though what I take out of all this, and what you take out of all of this, or he takes out, or what she takes out, it will all be different! This is one of the aspects I like about life, if we open ourselves up, we can learn from what another has to say. We may not practice it, but perhaps we will remember it and in some way use it, whatever IT is, in daily life.

Why am I here? How many times have you asked yourself this very question? Millions and millions of times I have asked myself this question. Of course, this question brings up many more questions, will my life have any impact on anyone? Am I on the right path? Should I be doing MORE with my life? Why do I keep falling into the same rountine, day after day? Well, we are who we are meant to be. Some of us break out of the pattern, but most of us are comfortable just as we are. Yes, often we sit and WISH life to be .. different or better, or for that BIG BANG change of holding the winning lottery ticket! I was explaining to my sister the other day a view I had on life, or simply something I happened to notice. It is like this, do you notice for the most part that those that are born in wealth, typically end in wealth? Those that are middle class, typically stay in middle class, and those that are born more in poverty, stay that way. Those that have parents that sit around "sick, or hurt" all day.. end up "sick and hurt" all day. Keep in mind please that I am speaking in generalities, patterns! Not ALL cases are like this! Then the question becomes, How do I escpae this? Well, typically YOU don't! Sure, I have sat here many times thinking of ways that I could become RICH! Even though the only reason I want more money, is so that when my daughter wants something, I can say, OKAY and mean it. I am well aware, the more we make the more we spend, and that really it is my DNA, chemistry, or whatever you want to call it, that makes me say, Oh no, I can't afford this, and cry all the way to the store, where I am undoubtably going to purchase whatever she wants. Martyrdom, you may say. I gave something up for you - but sometimes what we are really saying is.. WHAT are YOU willing to do for me? We are humanbeings and typically we run on a ME level. Even those of us that are all about YOU, want to run on a me level, it just does not seem to end that way, go figure! If you really think about it, and be honest (only to yourself), we do want it to be about us! Is this bad? I feel it is only bad if we misuse it! If we never let someone else be important over ourselves. We can also misuse in a sense if we NEVER let ourselves be the ONE important thing.
Do you ever catch yourself saying something, so that another person compliments or says something, that in reality you already knew, but you just needed to hear it? Of course you have, and it is ok! We all have. We are human, not a single one of us does not need some kind of validation. But I will be damned, it so hurts when that person does not play the game with us. Why do we do this to ourselves?  At this point you are thinking WHY am I reading this. This woman has NOTHING to say!! Well, you are right, I don't have anything to say, but I have a lot of random thoughts and I enjoy sharing! :-) Momma always taught me to share!
I think if you are willing to take this journey with me, you will go through many emotions. Good and bad - and sometimes maybe I can just get you to stop and think! Oh it will not be about any life changing events .. but it will be fun! If you have things you would like me to write about, let me know I am open to whatever.